Every relationship comes to that point, well every relationship you intend on keeping for a while does, where those 3 life changing words are said. With that, I present my blog (drum roll please)…
I LOVE YOU is lazy.
In my post about community I mentioned my conversation with Sam, Cigars Vera Cruz owner. One of the things we talked about was the lost ability to communicate effectively and now day’s people rather take shortcuts than actually take the time to express something. With him I started externally processing this idea; I LOVE YOU is lazy.
We hear it all the time. Family members, significant others, friends, and adoring fans (I am somewhat of a big deal in certain sub-cultures) say it, we say it, but does it carry the weight it should? Do we know what we are saying? Do we know what is being implied?
I have never been accused of under communicating. As you probably see why.
So many problems in the relationship area of life stem from communication issues. Whether it is bad communication, a miscommunication, no communication, or what was once a shocker to me, over-communication. If there is a problem there is a good chance that communication is the culprit.
So why allow something like I LOVE YOU become a victim to communication?
The real issue with I LOVE YOU isn’t that it is said too little but that it is said entirely too much with too little of depth or weight. Have you ever been told “if you ___________ I will love you forever” or said “I love you” after someone randomly brought you coffee? Now I know these are just lighthearted gestures and sayings but they do play a roll into sculpting our ideology to what I LOVE YOU implies. In the conversation with Sam he mentioned how hardly anyone writes letters any more which I responded that he was right and what will happen to the stories of people who wrote love letters, what will have now? Text messages with emojis only? I hope not. If we look, those marriages that are still going 50+ years after they started probably have several letters from one to the other confessing their love and desire for each other. (Guys there’s an idea! Write her a letter! Hers love letters!)
In a past relationship I was asked what “I love you” means to me, honestly it took me a few days to come up with an answer. Like who asks that? I felt like I was given a pop quiz and wasn’t even in the class but I came up with an answer. I began to write down all the things I did for her, the reasons I did things one way versus another, said what I said to her, how she makes me feel, and characteristics about her that I enjoyed about her. Take note, I did not mention her looks or what she did for me. Those things do not make someone lovable.
So how do we overcome this and strengthen our relationships?
If you are getting ready to take that huge 3 word plunge I would like to suggest holding back for a moment. Hold back from saying what has been said before and begin to really dive into those feelings you have. Instead of telling that person “I love you” try telling them the way they make you feel when you hear their voice or think of them. Dig deep and be vulnerable, this will help create a more intimate connection and open the lines of communication in a new way for you as well. Something even more powerful than “I love you” is “I miss you”, it is implying that some part of them is not present and it happens to be you.
This is about you. This is you expressing to someone how they make you feel and what you enjoy about them, so tell them!